I decided that this journal (or photo log- as I decided to name it in the first place) should be full of pictures and almost rid of words. I don't like people knowing my exact thoughts, but today I feel the need to write all these thoughts that have been floating about my head. I'd usually turn to writing but my arm's sore from the 2 hour paper I had yesterday.

I digress.

Today GP's friend passed away. We found out about it right before the usual string of advertisements would play before a movie. He didn't know how to react. A few minutes after telling me who he was, a steady stream of tears begin to fall from his eyes.

Usually at this stage, I would awkwardly mumble a “Don’t cry” or “It’s alright, it’s for the best”. But you see, death has been an all too familiar friend in my life,
I remember my first occurrence with this word; I was four (I think). I was at someone's funeral in a big church. There was a small box in front of the church. I couldn't understand why everyone looked so sad or why my parents told me that there was someone in that box. I don't remember much, but it never hit me as hard as it would again when I turned sixteen.

To spare you the nitty-gritty details, someone who played a prominent role in my first two years of teen hood passed away right smack before some exams. I remember getting the phone call, thinking it was a prank for about two minutes before bursting into tears. The wakes and funeral were awful for me to attend. I spent sleepless nights crashing my parent’s room. It was the reality of death occurring at the age of 16 that made it mostly unbearable. It took me awhile to get over this frightening concept before accepting how death is part and parcel of life- unavoidable. The only thing I could do was to accept that life is too fragile and count of religion to remove this gnawing worry and fear I had over death.

I then spent the next three years thereafter attending the funerals of many of my school mates or friends who were the same age as me.

It’s these funerals that have made me numb. It’s these deaths that have me swearing to never attend another funeral ever again. Am I a weakling? Yes. Am I still afraid of death? Maybe.

But I never saw all these experiences as useful until today. I got to console the current love of my life, be the bigger person. It felt amazing, but it’s also a harsh reminder of what I’ve had ‘the joy’ of experiencing at such a young age.

Ahhhh, life.

Labels: Words

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